sBran Stark sucks, but you don’t have to be so obvious about it.
Look. It’s okay that you hate Bran. We all hate Bran. He’s a whiny, self-centered narrative time suck with the character depth of a wooden post — who, by the way, regularly threatens to unravel the very fabric of the Game of Thrones universe with his dumb bird powers. He sucks, full stop.
That being said, Bran hatred has become unimaginative and a bit unrefined over the past seven seasons of fandom chatter. With just six installments of Thrones left to fuel our Bran hatred, there’s no better time to pull out all the stops and once again skillfully dunk on Bran like the Three-Eyed Pain in the Ass he is.
In an effort to help you be the best Bran hater you can be, we’ve created a brief guide to roasting this guy.
We’ve also included some stellar examples from the last season of Thrones to give you the anti-Bran inspiration you need for diving into that next theory discussing with your friends.
Step #1: Be specific with your grievances
Don’t be boring. Bran is boring enough on his own!
Instead of hitting up Twitter with a standard “Bran is the woooorst” — you’re right, he is — dig deep within your knowledge of Bran and Thrones lore to make a specific, scorching point about Bran and his worthlessness.
For example, you could point out that Bran (1) is named after literally the most disappointing cereal known to humankind (2) has a sullen moodiness that could eclipse even the most gloomy antics of a teenage Billie Eilish fan stuck perpetually moaning “bury a friend” to themselves and no one else (3) can see the future basically as well as a weatherman who showed up to his broadcast late because he spent all morning fighting with his ex-wife and not forecasting the freaking weather.
Bran Stark proves the old adage that humans are only as exciting as the grain they’re named after.
— SarcasticRover (@SarcasticRover) July 31, 2017
Alternatively, you can highlight the many annoying/stupid/lame/exhausting things Bran has done throughout the series, like not listening to his mom, pulling that shit on Hodor, saying that reprehensibly weird thing to Sansa, letting yet another direwolf die, and failing to warn anyone about anything ever.
You could even point out that, according to some fan theories, Bran is the freaking Night King. That’s exceptionally roast worthy — and creative!
Step #2: Get creative with your Bran death fantasies
“I want Bran to die,” said everyone who has ever watched even a minute of Game of Thrones.
Wishing Bran would die is an old past-time, beloved by many, but how can we jazz it up in Season 8? With a sprinkling of specificity, of course!
Again, you want to use your Thrones knowledge to the best of your advantage here. Instead of saying, “I hope Bran dies this episode” try out: “I hope Bran gets shot by an arrow in the middle of a field while trying to get to Jon, while being attacked by Ramsay Bolton’s dogs, while drowning in molten gold and finishing off the last of Joffrey’s poison, only to later have Dany eat his heart at a Dothraki fertility ritual… this episode.”
Or y’know, something like that.
Step #3: Remember, Bran is not Isaac Hempstead-Wright’s fault
Roasting Bran is hilarious. However, when it comes time to launch your anti-Bran zingers, be sure to separate the character from the actor.
By all accounts, Isaac Hempstead-Wright is a perfectly wonderful, blossoming actor destined for wonderful post-Thrones things. He can’t help that Bran has been written into an insufferable, lifeless corner better left portrayed by an old mop than a real actor. Clearly, Isaac is doing his best with what he’s got.
Step #4: Recall that George R. R. Martin is 100% responsible for this monstrosity of a character
With Isaac Hempstead-Wright’s lack of fault in mind, remember that Bran Stark is absolutely George R. R. Martin’s fault.
Of course, George has had a lot of good ideas. (For example: ice dragons!) Still, in what world does someone put together Bran, look at the horrifying finished product, and decide it’s fine?
Sure, there’s always a chance that when (read: if) the final Game of Thrones book comes out, we’ll begin to understand what Bran’s deal is and whatever it was George was thinking when he created him. But in the meantime, let’s assign blame where blame is due.
When you’re roasting Bran, you’re roasting George. And honestly, it’s deserved.
Step #5: Have faith that Bran will be dead soon enough
But remain steadfast, brethren. If there’s one thing of which we can be certain in Season 8, it is that Bran Stark will not survive this winter. If he does, they’ll be hell (in the form of memes, tweets, and long-form essays) to pay. Mark. Our. Words.
Game of Thrones: Season 8 premieres April 14 on HBO.