Here’s how to hold your own Robert Mueller vigil

Now that the 116th Congress has been sworn in and Democrats have control of the house, the chances that Robert Mueller will finally produce his report grow stronger. But will it be a matter of days? Weeks? Light-years? The anticipation is destroying some of us from the inside.

To be fair, there are a lot of things destroying me from the inside: the existence of Jared Kushner, the state of the United States Postal Service, fights about the 2016 election, astrology worship, the return of flare jeans, the United Nations’ most recent climate change report, the entirely undeserved soup renaissance, violence inside the naked mole community, and Doc Martens, which are bad for my ankles.

We all need to stay vigilant until the Mueller report arrives. Until that day comes, we must and shall hold vigils.

Please, spare me your “Trump-Russia is a conspiracy” or “Mueller won’t be able to indict Trump until he leaves office” takes. I, too, have a Twitter account. I’ve seen seen that argument recycled day in, day out. And even though I realize the chances of Trump going to prison before 2020 are slim, I personally can’t wait that long for him to disappear from my consciousness. 

Can’t a girl have a dream? Why won’t you let me dream, lefty internet?

Let’s all just operate on the same entirely reasonable assumption: that Mueller will indict Trump, Trump’s whole family, and Pence, sending them all to federal prison and giving Nancy Pelosi control of the presidency. She’ll, of course, immediately accede her position to her superior, Lady Maxine Waters. 

It might take a while before all that magic happens. In the meantime, here’s how to hold a proper Robert Mueller vigil.

1.  Light your Robert Mueller devotional candles

I hate “resistance merch” as much as the next cynical lefty, but I’m willing to make a very *special* exception for these Robert Mueller devotional candles. It’s not enough to say a prayer near a normal candle, it has to be a branded one.

You should light one candle for each day of the investigation. Available for $14 from Devotional Democracy.

2. Cast a protection spell

Witches have played a huge part in the resistance, mostly because of their incredible hexing work. Now it’s time for the witch community — and you — to cast a spell to guard Robert Mueller. If Congress won’t pass legislation to protect him, you must summon all your bravery and burn the leftover incense in your closet.

3. Assemble a large, peaceful group to watch Rachel Maddow

No one has followed the Russia investigation more closely than my queer “shero” Rachel Maddow. Gather your closest most hardcore MSNBC fans (most likely your family of retirees) and turn on the channel for a nonviolent viewing.

4. Join hands in song and recite Pussy Riot

Eminem Schmeminem; Bob Dylan, Schmob Dylan. Boys drool, radical Russian riot grrl activists who were sentenced to prison rule. Pussy Riot’s “Make America Great Again” is the great protest anthem of the Trump era.

5. Invite speakers to speak at your vigil — perhaps someone from your local Indivisible chapter. Alternatively, just play the Lawfare podcast

When it comes to chronicling the Russia investigation in podcast form, no one does it better than Lawfare. They can satisfy all your hardcore national security needs.

Not to brag, but I did purchase an exclusive Lawfare T-shirt last year from the esteemed

6. Dress in classic Robert Mueller style — geometric tie, neatly fitted suit, perfectly starched white shirt, and a Casio DW-290 sports watch

Honor our king by imitating his style. It shouldn’t set you back much. Mueller’s trademark Casio watch is estimated to cost around $50 dollars, less than a single night’s shitty dinner in Brooklyn.

7. Invite others, but avoid social media like the plague

There’s nothing Mueller hates more than unwanted and excessive press attention. Unlike our boy Comey, he’s no showboat. He’s here to do his job, damnit. Take absolutely no photos of your event and otherwise do whatever you can make every photo editor’s job incredibly difficult.

8. Buy some dumb Robert Mueller merch

You’re a radical socialist and an anti-consumerist skeptic. But let’s not lie: I know you like that “It’s Mueller time” mug. Treat yourself to the fruits of neoliberalism and purchase it from Etsy for $11.99.

9. Employ a “Mueller mixologist” and make some Mueller-themed cocktails

After Flynn’s guilty plea last year, one DC bar decided to offer a “Moscow Mueller.” Consider some other equally thematic alternatives as well: a Manhattan Detention Complex, an Old Fashioned Corruption, or a White Trump-Russian Conspiracy.

10. Have a start and end time for your vigil

One of the best things about Robert Mueller is how he runs his Christmas parties: He sets an end time and he sticks to it. He even goes so far as to flick his lights when the party is supposed to end. It’s a very polite GTFO.

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