How to tell if your date is a psycho from the contents of their fridge

ARE you at a date’s home and trying to work out if they’re completely mental? A quick look at the contents of their fridge will give you the definitive answer. 

A week’s worth of prepared meals

Preparing all your meals in advance could mean someone bored and lonely, or could mean someone weirdly controlling and tediously organised? Neither bodes well for a fun relationship.

Mushroom kombucha

Anyone finding this in someone’s fridge will be rightly freaked out because it looks like a jar of pickled aliens. When you find out it’s actually fermented mushroom tea then still be freaked out because you’re on a date with a tiresome health nut.

Nothing but condiments

A fridge full of condiments, whether a selection of mustards, a half-empty bottle of ketchup or a massive jar of mayonnaise means their owner is incapable of looking after themselves and wants you to become a weird chef-parent hybrid prepared to shag them occasionally.

Maggots

Can be explained away by the fridge-owner being into fishing. Which while a better explanation than being a filthy bastard, still leaves the troubling discovery that they’re into fishing.

A still-living human brain

Even if you’re desperate for a relationship, this is quite a red flag. But if you’re over 40 and have baggage you might have to settle.

Source

more recommended stories

  • Are you sexually promiscuous enough at work?

    ARE you worried that you’ve slept.

  • Eiffel Tower evacuated after climber scales monument

    An unidentified man climbs the Eiffel.

  • Colleges offer Level 5 NVQ in changing a duvet cover

    COLLEGES keen to equip students with.

  • Women do walk of shame to hen night

    A GROUP of women have been.

  • Raven chicks in the Tower ward off prophecy of doom for Brexit Britain

    Tower of London Ravenmaster Chris Skaife.

  • Five ways to join in the leg-washing ‘debate’ even though it’s idiotic

    MANY people have admitted they don’t.

  • Take or pay: Belgian ex-king faces paternity fines

    Belgian artist Delphine Boel and her.

  • How to know when to give the f**k up on something

    DO YOU, like Theresa May bringing.

  • Professional Northerner oddly reluctant to meet other Northerners

    A MAN who never shuts up.

  • Mum tells kids she wrote ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’

    A MOTHER has admitted telling her.

  • Google search confirms man has bubonic plague

    A MAN with a slight cough.

  • Middle-class family struggling to outdo themselves

    AN extremely middle-class family are struggling.

  • Will anything happen in tonight’s Game of Thrones?

    WITH only two episodes left of.

  • Which fire pit knobhead are you?

    THE new cool place to be.

  • Stop bugging him: Philippine leader brushes off finger-sized pest

    MANILA (Reuters) – Philippine President Rodrigo.

  • Five ways to stop climate change if they weren’t such a pain in the arse

    WITH catastrophic climate change on its.

  • Australia’s central bank takes ‘responsibilty’ for note typo

    SYDNEY (Reuters) – Millions of A$50.

  • Is Liverpool’s comeback the most irritating of all time? 

    LIVERPOOL’S unbelievable comeback to beat Barcelona.

  • Tanzania plans cable car for Mount Kilimanjaro

    DAR ES SALAAM (Reuters) – Tanzania.

  • How to build your baby bullshit bunker

    THE Daily Mash presents a step-by-step.

  • What will happen to Britain’s ice-cream vans? A five point guide

    THE traditional ice-cream van and the.

  • Nobody trusts couple who do everything together

    A COUPLE who spend all their.

  • ‘Thou shall not gossip’, Pope tells hairdressers

    FILE PHOTO: Pope Francis presides over.

  • Your guide to using the toilets at work like a ninja

    DO you mean what you say.

  • Beast from the east: Indian soldiers reckon they’ve found Yeti footprints

    NEW DELHI (Reuters) – Mountaineers from.

  • Mumsnet admits it is also the Illuminati

    THE parenting website Mumsnet has revealed.

  • Romania’s witches harness the powers of the web

    MOGOSOAIA, Romania (Reuters) – “Repeat after.

  • The highlights of the 2019 stag and hen season

    THE carnival and revelry of another.

  • Beast from the east – Indian mountaineers reckon they’ve found Yeti footprints

    NEW DELHI (Reuters) – Mountaineers from.

  • A guide to who the f**k’s who in the latest Avengers thing

    THE superhero event movie of the.

  • Girlfriend putting copper jelly moulds on kitchen wall like a f**king looney

    RESEARCH recommending limiting childrens’ screen time.

  • Stairs still nation’s favourite place to put things

    A NATIONWIDE survey has found that.