Man who thinks women’s football is boring won’t shut up about golf

DO you feel obliged to buy treats for your colleagues when returning from holiday even though you hate their stupid faces? Here’s what to get them.

‘Interesting’ foreign delicacies
A bag of odd-tasting snacks with an incomprehensible name suggests you think your colleagues have adventurous palates, when in fact it’s just really enjoyable watching them eat deep-fried goat anuses.

Disgusting sweets
People will eat anything if it’s free and distracts them from work for two minutes, so search out something truly horrible like mealworms coated in nougat.

A bottle of undrinkable spirits
Even if it smells and tastes like nail varnish remover, it won’t stop everyone having a nip at lunchtime and dehydration and a nasty hangover by 2pm. Make the fools drink more by claiming you “really like it” and have a few more bottles at home.

An old, battered cake
Office workers are obsessed with cakes, so your colleagues will happily chow down on one that’s travelled a couple of thousand miles in your suitcase, even if it smells a bit weird and has a 70 percent chance of giving them food poisoning.

Liquorice allsorts from the airport
Nothing screams “I hate you bastards and didn’t think of you once while I was away” louder than something so unexotic they can buy it from the newsagent’s across the road.

 

Source

more recommended stories

  • Man refuses to accept it is too cold for shorts

    A MAN who has insisted on.

  • Florida man charged for stash of Trump-shaped ecstasy pills

    (Reuters) – A Florida man who.

  • How to be the total psycho in your flatshare

    ARE you a complete nutcase living.

  • Tiny Nevada town near secretive Area 51 braces for alien hunters

    RACHEL, Nevada (Reuters) – Connie West,.

  • Living life to the full ‘not the same as getting p*ssed every day’

    A CONTROVERSIAL new study suggests that.

  • Playing cricket in England for five days ‘practical joke that went too far’

    THE Government has revealed its real.

  • Sporting expression ‘caught fire’ takes on literal meaning

    (Reuters) – The sporting expression “caught.

  • Best man’s speech makes everyone realise groom is genuinely awful person

    IT may feel as if your.

  • 2000 AD reader ruins date by saying woman looks ‘zarjaz’

    ARE you about to be trapped.

  • Dog going through mid-life crisis shagging owner’s other leg

    PARTS of Britain will today get.

  • Five utterly pointless debates you can’t help getting sucked into

    DO you sometimes get drawn into.

  • Beer with the prince: Liechtenstein marks 300th anniversary

    VADUZ (Reuters) – The tiny principality.

  • Dads confirm now is perfect time to buy a winter coat

    DADS have confirmed that now is.

  • Last remaining mouse mat expected to fetch up to 80p at Sotheby’s

    THE WORLD’S last remaining mouse mat.

  • Couple has incredibly boring story about how they met

    A COUPLE wrongly believe the mildly.

  • French hoverboard inventor readies second Channel crossing bid

    French inventor Francky Zapata holds a.

  • Pack of cards only thing holding family holiday together

    A PACK of cards is the.

  • Indonesian walks 700-km backwards to highlight deforestation

    SRAGEN, Indonesia (Reuters) – An Indonesia.

  • Woman realises her ‘posh’ friends are just normal people who like olives

    A GRAPHIC description of the sex.

  • Oh rats! Japan convenience store apologizes after viral rodent video

    TOKYO (Reuters) – Japanese convenience store.

  • Band’s Wikipedia page obviously written by band

    IT is extremely obvious that a.

  • Staring at seagulls can stop them stealing food, research shows

    FILE PHOTO: Seagulls fly over the.

  • Are you a functional alcoholic, or just ‘fun’?

    Are you the life and soul.

  • The man in the plastic mask: Brazil inmate busted in brazen jailbreak

    RIO DE JANEIRO (Reuters) – A.

  • BDSM fan orders home delivery knowing he won’t be in

    A MASOCHIST has ordered a home.

  • French ‘Flying Man’ crosses Channel on jet-powered hoverboard

    SANGATTE, France/SAINT MARGARET’S BAY, Britain (Reuters).

  • ‘Young people are bad with money’ says woman spent £85 on Princess Diana plate

    YOU’RE desperately in need of me-time,.

  • Doctors extract 526 teeth from Indian boy

    Doctors arrange tooth-like structures removed from.

  • Seven-year-old in shock after seeing teacher in supermarket during holidays

    A CHILD has been left traumatised.

  • Grasshoppers take Vegas by swarm, disrupting weather radar, tourism

    FILE PHOTO: A grasshopper lands on.

  • Five ways to get through alcohol-free evenings

    HARDY Northern folk aren’t scared of.

  • Trial of strength at 2,000 metres altitude – Celtic wrestling in Austria

    MARIA ALM, Austria (Reuters) – Every.