Semen Should Always Be Called Jizz

Image: Getty

An old and possibly racist saying states that in some cultures, there are over 50 words for “snow.” American English has at least as many words for ejaculate, most of which are gross. It seems like now is the time to set the record straight. There should be only one word for this substance and it is likely not what you think it is.

Generally, semen is referred to as “cum,” a terrible word that is nice only for its efficiency: it describes both the substance and the act in one three letter word. Using “come” as the verb is appropriate, but linguistically confusing. Why not refer to both using the same word, instead of this egregious misspelling? The substance itself deserves… better. Something about the way the word is spelled triggers an itch; it’s a deliberate misspelling intended to gesture towards vulgarity and impropriety. Other, more juvenile words for the stuff lack the heft of cum and therefore suffer from neglect: the onomatopoeia of splooge is nice but the word itself, not so much. Any phrase that includes “man” followed by a substance of a creamy or otherwise unctuous nature makes me want to scream. Traditonally, “nut” describes the act but not the substance and is best paired with a verb (“I’m gonna nut” works well, but nuts like peanuts, cashews, etc, already exist); the same rule applies to “wad.” “Spunk” is a word reserved only for Samantha from Sex and the City and “sperm” is far too clinical. None of these words are as good as the best word for semen, which is jizz.

Jizz. Jizz. JIZZ!

There’s a playfulness to “jizz” that more accurately represents the unintentional humor of the act itself. Everyone involved seems surprised, then ultimately relieved; also as someone who does not have a penis, squirting something out of an appendage that spends most of its time lying dormant like a naked mole rat against its owner’s thigh is an enduring novelty. Being in the presence of an ejaculating penis isn’t everybody’s idea of a good time, but for those who enjoy dick in this fashion, it’s jizz.

Source

more recommended stories

  • “I’ll Knock You The Fuck Out, Bro”

    Photo: John Amis (Getty Images) One.

  • Wilkin Castillo’s First MLB Hit In Over A Decade Was A Go-Ahead RBI Double

    For the first time in over.

  • Todd Frazier Upset He Hit Home Run Instead Of Deep Fly-Out

    The Mets have been having an.

  • Is This Kyrie Irving Scolding Celtics Fans Under An Alias On Boston Talk Radio?

    Photo: Maddie Meyer (Getty) Thursday morning.

  • Bol Bol Heads To Denver Nuggets After Agonizing Draft Night Slide

    Photo: Julio Cortez (AP) Extremely fun.

  • Andrés Guardado Is The Engine That Makes Mexico Run At Full Power

    Photo: Matthew Stockman (Getty Images) Mexico’s.

  • The Texans’ Attempt To Hire A GM Was Cartoonishly Inept

    Photo: Maddie Meyer (Getty) It’s been.

  • Chicago White Sox Announce Upcoming Expansion Of Protective Netting To Foul Poles

    Photo: David Banks (Getty) The Chicago.

  • Matt Carpenter Beats A Marlins Shift With A Standup Bunt Double

    Screenshot: MLB.com Turns out the solo.

  • The Ultimate Warrior Is Not A Gay Pride Mascot

    On Thursday afternoon, WWE ambassador and.

  • Chile’s Christiane Endler Became A Goal-Stopping Machine And Frustrated The USWNT Into A Goalless Second Half

    Given the low expectations for Chile.

  • The Pelicans Finally Traded Anthony Davis To The Lakers

    Photo: Jayne Kamin-Oncea (Getty Images) My.

  • The 10 Best Deals of June 14, 2019

    Best Deals of the DayThe best.

  • Fuck Your Asterisk

    Love to kiss Larry.Photo: Ezra Shaw.

  • Kellen Winslow II Couldn’t Stop Masturbating In Front Of His Teammates

    Photo: Mike Ehrmann (Getty) Former NFL.

  • Police Describe Some Pretty Unexpected Details In Ongoing Investigation Of David Ortiz’s Shooting

    Photo: Roberto Guzman (AP) David Ortiz.

  • UFC Fighter Macy Chiasson’s Apartment Destroyed In Dallas Crane Collapse [Update]

    A construction crane collapsed amid fierce.

  • Warriors President Of Basketball Operations Bob Myers Reveals Kevin Durant’s Achilles Injury

    Photo: Claus Andersen (Getty) Warriors president.

  • 29th Horse Dies At Santa Anita One Day After Officials Tell Track To Stop Holding Races

    Photo: Jae Hong (AP) A three-year-old.

  • Deadspin Up All Night: I Got A Date With The Night

    Thank you for your continued support.

  • Argentina Are Just Happy To Be Here

    Photo: Marcelo Endelli (Getty) Argentina are.

  • The 10 Best Deals of June 7, 2019

    Best Deals of the DayThe best.

  • Rafael Nadal Is Tennis Jail

    Photo: Clive Brunskill (Getty) “If you.

  • Welcome To The Last Ride Of Marta’s Brazil

    The sun is about to set.

  • This Is Why Kyle Lowry Was So Pissed

    Photo: Lachlan Cunningham (Getty) Early in.

  • Run, Don’t Walk, To Amazon’s Impressive One-Day Running Shoe Sale

    Amazon Running Shoe Gold Box |.

  • Diamondbacks Fan Tries To Crack Kenley Jansen With His Bare Cheeks

    Can you spot the butt? Look.

  • Nobody Has It Better Than Liverpool

    Photo: Nigel Roddis (Getty) Along the.

  • Warriors Come Alive In Third Quarter, Even NBA Finals

    Photo: Gregory Shamus (Getty) For one.

  • Neymar Accused Of Raping A Woman In Paris

    Photo: Buda Mendes (Getty Images) A.

  • Twins Broadcaster Bert Blyleven Calls For The Destruction Of Tropicana Field After The Park Stole Another Homer From Miguel Sano

    While the Rays were unable to.

  • Raptors Fight Off Every Warriors Push To Grab A Comfortable Game 1 Victory

    Photo: Gregory Shamus (Getty) In retrospect,.